The Top 5 Parenting Mistakes-And How to Avoid Them

The Top 5 Parenting mistakes – and how to avoid

things are not how they used to be. Your 12 years does not come to you first when she feels hurt or disappointed. When your son missing curfew – again – the corner of time can do wonders now simply lame. As your child grows into adolescence, you must adapt your parenting tried-and-true in a rapidly changing world.

As tempting as it may seem, do not throw everything you know about your child – or yourself as a parent. Your teen may seem like a stranger in your house, but behind the slammed doors and mood swings, it is still your child. You will face many unknowns in the years to come. What you can expect is that your limits will be tested and your patience will be, at times, wear thin. Here are the mistakes parents make over their teens and preteens, and how to avoid them.

As parents, we all make mistakes. On the line of parental support, I often encourage parents to give a pause, after all, it is impossible for any of us to be perfect. Our children test us at every age and stage, it is a part of their work for children to push the boundaries with us and see where the line is drawn. As they age, it can often feel like we run through an obstacle course parenting: just as we found a single stage and its challenges, our many children go to the next. While you might feel pretty confident in your role as a parent when the child is nine, but then everything changes again when it moves between the years and begins to act in new ways unimaginable.

L The other problem with the search for a “magic result” is that it assumes that the result will change their behavior.

As errors occur, I think it’s always a good idea be aware of what you do so you can adjust your reaction to your child’s behavior, which helps you become a more effective parent. Over the years I have helped parents to go through all kinds of “obstacles” to their children, regardless of the stage. Here are the top five mistakes we hear about on the support line:

1. Customize your child’s behavior .

It is hard not to take it personally when your child misbehaves or says something hurtful to you. I think it’s important to accept that you get upset from time to time and your feelings will be hurt. You might be shocked and angry when your child misbehaves, it’s natural and you’re human. But try to recognize when you are too upset. Remember that when you feel that way, you have to give you a little time before you interact with your child about it, trying to calm down before you come with your discipline strategy.

How will you know that you are personalizing things? You will feel really upset. You will say or think things like, “How could he do this to me? How dare you tell me about this! You will do what I say when I tell you to do so. “What do you want to do is recognize that you take things too personally and then try to break away from the situation. Calm down and leave the room if you need. On line support I often start by asking parents “What are the behaviors that concern you?” The parent might say, “My child is disrespectful.” But for parents to begin to address behavioral problems, we must talk in terms of “doing” and not “feeling”. I will then ask, “What that is what happened when your child is not respecting you? ” The answer might be: “Well, it would not do his homework,” or “It will not clean his room. “Actually, I want to hear that because I know that now we have something to work with, a behavior that we can address, rather than an emotion. As James Lehman says,” Focus on behavior, and not the feelings. “You can fight with your child until you’re blue in the face of disrespect or motivation, but how to really change things is to focus on their behavior.” / P> I often recommend that parents set up a structure and real goals that their children can work at conferences rather than your children how they should respect you. It does not get you anywhere.

2. Misunderstanding stage of development of your child.

It can be easy to mistake the stage of development of your child, if they are younger or adolescence. What I mean By that parents sometimes assume that their young child is more than understanding about human nature and how it should behave, that he actually does. On the line of parental support, I have heard from many parents who the hope that their children need to be altruistic, for example, that their children should think of others first. And if a young child has a vocabulary, it is easy to take verbal ability indicates that it is also physically and emotionally advanced. But as James Lehman says, They are not little adults, they are children.” You can not expect your child to have the same kind of empathy, altruism or physical discipline and skills that you do. They just do not have that capability yet.

It also shows with teens, it is expected that adolescents should feel gratitude be very empathetic, and pointing to the future. Then the parents try to motivate their children through lectures them about their future. The truth is, teenagers are very selfish in their homes, this is part of Phase development they are in adolescence. It’s our job to teach them empathy and goal setting. I do not think there’s any point in getting angry with your child for something they can not do it again. Know what your child is capable of a certain stage of development can really help you have reasonable expectations for them.

3. S ‘ expecting only one type of parenting style to fit children with a specific diagnosis .

James Lehman said that regardless of your disability, you still have to understand how to cope in society. C ‘ is absolutely true, but some parents take this mean that all children can and should meet the same kind of parenting. The truth is, for children with ADHD or other diagnoses, your parenting style will have to change a bit to be effective. Just put up a structure and using consequences to keep a child with ADHD on the task, as you would for a child who did not, will not generally work, in fact It was shown that children with ADHD respond better when you change the system of rewards and consequences. (Dr Bob Myers explains how to do this in total Focus program for children with ADD and ADHD).

Children with ADHD can learn how to do things, but sometimes they can not remove it. Maybe they embark on a task, but they can not finish because their impulsivity or distractibility leads them on the right way. If you do not understand that as a parent, you punish your child without being useful to himself and behavior will not change. This is why you must learn to coach your child in an appropriate manner saying things like, “Hey you get the right track. Why do not you go back and finish your homework before you embark on the next project, “You also may need to accept the fact that, before launching into drugs, they will have a tough time getting ready for So even if the end result is that you want your child to function in society as an adult one day, this does not mean that you treat all children the same so. You still have to parent differently depending on your child’s needs or diagnosis.

4. Looking for a “consequence of magic.”

Parents often ask, “What is the” best result “of this behavior?” They want a list of consequences that they can plug in when their child misbehaves, but it’s not exactly how it works. James Lehman recommends using a result which is related to the behavior, if possible, so it is often the case. For example, if your child can not wake up and get ready for school in the morning, you could make him go to bed earlier. But the experience of this result is really only part of the problem of why your child is not able to get ready for school on time. So, with the result, you’re also your child’s teacher: “You’re too tired, you need to get more sleep.” Problem solving is the foundation of this technique, not giving the consequences.

The other problem with finding a “magic result” is that it assumes that the result will change their behavior. But when you want to change what your child, you really need a whole system of discipline, limit setting, coaching, teaching and problem solving, such as Lehman James has created a program in its total transformation. Jacques said to always ask ourselves the lesson that your child need to learn. This lesson may or may not include a consequence. Think of the consequences as a tool in your toolbox that you can or can not use, depending on the task. Remember, the consequences will not be enough not to change behavior, if they did, we would need to have a table all the consequences and rewards, but we need more. You can not make lasting changes in behavior without using problem solving .

5. Considering that severe, long sentences will work.

Harsh, long-term punishments usually come when parents customize the behavior of their child. Some If parents think their child is a very serious consequence or long term, they will never forget the experience, and will never disobey them again. But if your punishment is too severe, your child will have no remorse but will probably resent you. I think we do not want to use punishments to create fear, shame, physical pain, or resentment.

Do not remove special occasions , birthdays or holidays, or whatever the child can not win back.Taking far from a video game for a week is very different to bring dance back to your son or daughter will never be able to go again. Instead, you want them to have opportunities to practice making behavior correctly and gain privileges.

It may take practice to change your child’s behavior, and be able practicing how to learn to make better choices. So being grounded for three weeks is often ineffective, you’re really just “teach your child how to do time,” as James Lehman says, not how to change what he does . You’ll also be lucky if your child remembers why it was founded in the first place. And here’s another great: you have nothing to work with a parent, no opportunities to use incentives to motivate your child during this time. Your child should have the opportunity to practice getting it right the next time to improve behavior.

Here is an example. Let’s say your teen swears you frequently to his brothers and sisters. Giving a long-term consequence does not give him the opportunity to practice control himself that he has no interest in trying. He has already lost everything in three weeks, so it is likely because it might as well swear, because he has nothing to lose. Rather than trying to stop something that is common to both, require your child to make improvements.

Instead of long-term consequences, we recommend that you first think about how often behavior is happening. Set your goal to gradually reduce the frequency. So if your child swears at you four times a day, your initial goal may be three times a day with an ultimate goal of zero. This can be difficult to accept at first but it really works.

Also, if the behavior occurs four times a day, you must have incentives that you can use four times a day. For example, you may withdraw your child’s cell phone for two hours each time. And this time, your child to practice not to swear at someone in the house to get his cell phone back. If he swears again, two hours all over again. Now, rather than trying to stop something immediately, you encourage your child to learn to behave properly, all the time. And that’s the name of the game for each parent.

Your child is your child against all odds

Raising teenagers is not always easy or smooth, especially when testing the authority of parents is part of growth. Some days, facing a teenager eye roll too many, you may wonder if it’s not even worth trying.

Keep in mind that your influence is deeper than you think. Most teens say they want to spend more time with their parents. And adolescents choose friends who have the core values ​​of their parents. Make time for your child throughout the tween and teen. Even when he does not show you the solid foundation, they know they can always come home.

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